A collection of humorous cricket related Jokes, Quotes and Observations.

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Which cricket team plays while half dressed?

The Vest Indies.

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An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected to the Lord's cricket ground. "How's it going?" he asked. "Fine," came the answer, "We've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

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In school, the teacher asked Johnny to spell "bowling". Back came the answer : "B-o-e-l-i-n." "That," said the teacher, "is the worst spell of bowling I've ever seen."

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The Devils challenged the Angels to a game of cricket. "But we've got all the cricketers," said the Angels. "Yes. But we've got all the umpires!" exclaimed The Devils.

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A woman walked into the clubhouse to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yes, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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As the batsmen passed the man in the white coat, he said, "That was never LBW - you need glasses."

And the man in the white coat replied, "so do you mate, I'm selling ice-cream."

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Dennis Lillee and Jeff Thomson were a fearsome combination, both on and off the green. An interviewer once said to Lillee, "Tell me, Dennis, what would you do if you discovered you had only 30 minutes to live?"

Dennis said "I'd make love to the first thing that moved."

"And what would you do Mr Thomson?" and Thommo said, "I wouldn't move for half an hour."
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"The Queen's Park Oval. Exactly as its name suggests. ..absolutely round." - Tony Cozier

"And there`s the George Headly Stand, named after George Headly" - Trevor Quirk

"Butcher plays off his black foot" - Brian Johnston (BBC)

"The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey" - Brian Johnston (BBC)

"What a magnificent shot! No he's out." - Tony Greig (Channel 9)

"There are 25000 people here today and they are all here to watch the cricket" - Loius Karpus

"On the outfield, hundreds of small boys are playing with their balls." - Rex Alston (BBC)

"Omar Henry hit one or two boundaries in his seven."- Nic Collins

"Fast bowlers are quick, even at the end of the day. Just watch this - admittedly it's in slow motion." - Ian Chappell (Channel 9)

"For every winner, there has to be a looser in these games." - Tony Greig (Channel 9)

"If you go in with two fast bowlers and one breaks down, you're left two short." - Bob Massie (ABC Radio)

"A very small crowd here today. I can count the people on one hand. Can't be more than 30." - Michael Abrahamson (SABC)

"Welcome to Worcester where you've just missed seeing Barry Richards hitting one of Basil D'Oliveira's balls clean out of the ground." - Brian Johnston (BBC Radio)

"There were congratulations and high-sixes all round." - Richie Benaud (Channel 9)

"This game will be over any time from now." - Alan McGilvray (ABC Radio)

"It is important for Pakistan to take wickets if they are going to make big inroads into this Australian batting line-up." - Max Walker (Channel 9)

"As a result, Tasmania picks up two valuable points, not that they are any value now. The match has already been decided." - Gerry Collins (ABC)

"It's a very good witch in Bombay...good wicket." - Greg Ritchie (Channel 9)

"One of the hardest things is to take a caught and bowled off your own bowling." - Mike Haysam

"Yorkshire 332 all out, Hutton ill - I'm sorry, Hutton 111." - John Snagge (BBC News)

"Glenn McGrath joins Craig McDermott and Paul Reiffel in a three-ponged prace attack." - Tim Gavel (ABC News)

"Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end." - Brian Johnston (BBC Radio)

"He's usually a good puller, but that time he couldn't get it up." - Richie Benaud (Channel 9)

"In the back of Hughes' mind must be the thought that he will dance down the piss and mitch one." - Tony Greig (Channel 9)

"Laird has been brought in to stand in the corner of the circle." - Richie Benaud (Channel 9)

"Chappell just stood on his feet and smashed it to the boundary." - Jim Maxwell (ABC Radio)

"I was on 99...I got really scared. I pooped my pants, missed the next ball and was bowled." - Victoria's Brad Hodge on an under 12's match.

"Lloyd's talking to his SLIPers." - Channel 9 commentator

"The sight of Bright holds no fright for Wright." - Jim Maxwell (ABC)

"On the first day, Logie decided to chance his arm and it came off." - Trevor Bailey (Radio 3)

"It's been very slow and dull day, but it hasn't been boring. It's been a good, entertaining day's cricket." - Tony Benneworth (ABC Radio)

"It was close for Zaheer, Lawson threw his hands in the air and Marsh threw his head in the air." - Jack Potter (3UZ)

"There's Anil Kumble. We're looking forward to seeing him bat, he's a very useful bowler."

Q: "Darryl, who are your favourite actors?" Cullinan: "Dustin Hoffman and some Aussie bowlers in the act of appealing."

Q: "What's your favourite animal?" Steve Waugh: "Merv Hughes."

He didn't quite manage to get his leg over. - Jonathan Agnew, after Botham had spun around off balance and tried to step over the wicket unsuccessfully, BBC

It's funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan, it's when you realise that your wife left you in May. - Denis Norden, British television writer and compere

Cricket is basically baseball on valium. - Robin Williams, American actor

Playing against a team with Ian Chappell as a captain turns cricket match into gang warfare. - Mike Brearley, 1980

Cricket needs brightening up a bit. My solution is to let the players drink at the beginning of the game, not after. It always works in our picnic matches. - Paul Hogan, Australian actor

And Jajeda is dijappointed...Jadeja is ji..da..I'll come again, Jajeda..okay Jadeja looks downcast. - Tony Grieg on Channel 9.

I don't know what these fellows are doing, but whatever they are doing, they sure are doing it well. - Pete Sampras on watching Lara and Ambrose at Lord's.

Pre - Season Training - A Technical Guide

2 weeks to Go.

Fielding practice, by standing looking at the sky for 10 minutes each day. Arms folded. Specialist "3rd Man" and "Long On" fielders may put their hands in their pockets Batsmen should be practicing sprinting 50 -60 yards,not 22 yards, as quickly as possible. This should be sufficient for most dashes to the pavilion, when the rain comes. All bowlers feel that they have been taken off,too early,and the next over they would have got a wicket. So practice walking, shaking your head, looking at the ground, and cursing the captain. As well as practicing tossing a coin, captains should also be revising excuses for when things go wrong. Remember, the day all the batting fails miserably, it will be your fault, for picking the wrong batting order. When things go really well, it will be the batsmen that take the credit. It may be too late now, but you should have spent the whole winter thickening your skin.

1 week to go

Fielding practice should now be increased to 20 minutes each day, looking at the sky Batsman should be working on their excuses. " How could that have been LBW? I was triggered" "That wicket is terrible! you can't bat on that.." " I told you skipper ,I shouldn't have been batting at No. 4..!" " That ball turned sideways.. It would have beaten Bradman" Bowlers, as well as practicing appealing, should also be practicing their excuses. "How come, the umpire can tell within a millimetre, I was no-balling, but is too blind to see when an LBW.."****.." I told you skip, I should have been taken off, 2 overs ago.".. " We could have won that match, If I hadn't been taken off, when I was!."

1st Match Day

Get your kit bag out of the loft or garage. Well those grass stains from last September, in your white's will have set quite nicely. Seven months to wash those whites, and on the morning of the 1st match there's no washing powder in the house.

Make sure at least one member of the side,has a pack of playing cards. There's nothing worse than sitting around waiting for the rain to stop. It time to put all of your daydreams into practice. Crashing the ball to every part of the ground, and beyond. Terrorising the opposing batsmen, with a fearsome display of hostile bowling, with wickets tumbling. If this does not materialise, fall back onto your pre season training! Good luck!.

New rules to make cricket fair: England to get an electric wickie for second test LORDS, Wednesday:

Following the crushing defeat of England in the first test, the International Cricket Council has imposed a new set of rules to make the contest more even. The new rules were formulated in conjunction with James Miller, 9, of Haberfield and his school friends.

As a result, England has been granted an electric wickie, freeing up wicket keeper Alec Stewart to defend the boundary. Under the rule, Australian batsmen will be deemed out "caught behind" if the ball snicks their bat and lands in the immediate area behind the wicket.

The rule is a compromise from the original England proposal which had pushed for electric slips as well. The ICC refused that request on the grounds that "someone has to go and get the ball when an Australian misses it."

In addition, Australia is under strict "tip and run" restrictions which require they take a run off every ball they hit.

Following his performance in the first test Australian wicketkeeper Adam Gilchrist has "six and out" restrictions imposed on him. As well, following complaints from English fieldsman, Gilchrist will have to get the ball if it goes across the road.

Instead of using a bat, Australian captain Steve Waugh will now be obliged to use his arm with a jumper wrapped around it.

New rules for England include "one hand, one bounce" while they are fielding, and the provision of "last man carries" when they are batting.

Steve Waugh has vigorously opposed the "last man carries" rule and has launched an appeal. Waugh says Australia will only agree to the rule if there are electric wickets at the end, allowing Aussie fielders to throw to the stumps at either end.

The England medium pace bowler, Ashley Giles, will also be allowed to wrap the ball's seam with electrical tape when he's bowling in the second innings.

The spokesperson added there will be "no LB" for England batsmen unless "it is really, really obvious."

Glenn McGrath has conceded that its "fair enough" that he has to bowl underarm (but not molly grubbers) to England's tail end.

Despite the changes, Australia remains firm favourites going into the Second Test, paying £1.12, while an England win is currently paying £1.3 trillion.

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